To be a Mother, Transparent Wife & Selfish

Today’s post is a guest post by Serena Morris, a Licensed Massage Therapist & Wellness Consultant in Pennsylvania. Please welcome Serena to our community and comment below to support Serena’s post.

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself. Sometimes you have to speak victory during the test. These words have never held quite so true in my life as they have since seeking who I am. Seeking who I am? Yes. My identity. My isness. Not Miles’ mom. Not Ogden’s wife. Serena. Who is she? A question I didn’t bother asking until AFTER becoming a wife and mother. If I knew then what I know now! That’s another post altogether.

Motherhood

Miles, Serena and Ogden’s son

So…how to be a mother? Only a question a mother in the midst of mothering can answer. There is no book. There is no answer that is accurate for every woman or child. Please. Of course there are plenty of books I’m sure. HA. Websites, you name it. There are lots of people wanting to help and guide as well as control and project opinions on people seeking answers to some of motherhood’s most challenging scenarios.

My son in only two years old so I am positive my greatest obstacles are yet to come. That is by no means to say I’ve not been tried and challenged in numerous ways as a mother. Talk about extreme swings in emotion, these two years have been incredible – and I’ve questioned am I crazy? Bouts with sore nipples, spitting up in my mouth, poop in my hand, teething, testing limits, “NO!”, utter exhaustion; all while caring for the sweetest, most precious, harmless, innocent baby boy and he has changed me forever. The joy. Yes the unspeakable joy I feel when the looks of gratitude and peace fill his face and now the words, “I love you Mommy,” resonate and help me understand my purpose on this earth. (NOT to be a mother, but a person that helps people live well physically and emotionally.)

The pleasures of motherhood far outweigh the moments of question and doubt. He did not ask to be here. Reality has rendered it’s judgement and reality is, time is fleeting. It’s up to me to “enjoy every moment” as my good friend so eloquently advised. The sleepless nights and challenges of toddlerdom are TEMPORARY. I won’t always be able to carry him or want to kiss his little feet! So, mothers, expectants, and whoever else..seize the moment. How to be a mother? LOVE your child. Embrace your baby (big or small, they’ll always be YOUR BABY!) You’re in it now and you’ll never be the same as when you weren’t – the present is a gift, just be.

Marriage

Serena and her Husband Ogden

I’ve been blessed to marry a man damn near as perfect (I use that loosely!) as they come. The person that introduced us over 10 years ago affectionately refers to him as “the greatest man of our generation.” I graciously agree. I met him when I was 21, he was 20. WOW. I had one boyfriend in high school and I was not looking for another. As I reflect on those years of college (yikes!) I met and went on dates with some guys that had traits that I was certain I could not spend my life with. I was clear on what I wanted. I was praying for a husband. The old saying, “He’s always on time,” held true once again for me.

We met in September 2004 at our mutual friend’s house in Philly. It was the beginning of senior year and I was hitting my stride (so I thought). He walked into her apartment…mmm. He was a beautiful surprise. And I tell you the truth, I KNEW without any doubt that my prayers had been answered. It was him, the man I’d spend my life with. Our friend told me, she should know, we’ve been friends since we were five.

I was floored by his level of grace, class, and sexiness. All wrapped up in one 6’3 educated fine ass gentleman that opens my car door to this day. MMM. Yes. So fast forward to March 17, 2005, about 5 months after he told me he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, I guess he wanted a wife. It was St. Patrick’s Day afternoon in Kutztown and I got the balls to call him and ask, “Are you my boyfriend?” His response, “I thought you knew.” The brotha is smooth I’m telling you. But of course, that is not something I assume.

Anyway, there it was, the man I met a few months back that I was just certain would be my husband had agreed that we were boyfriend & girlfriend. And I was basking in delight. Sickening delight to some. People wondered what the hell happened to Serena? Tough Serena. Don’t get it twisted, no bullshit Serena. She was still there but mellowed. I was captivated by this man, his authenticity and southern charm. I lost myself in him. And it was ok and I was unapologetic about it. SMILE.

I have always been candid with people I care about. And this man I loved from day one. I wanted him to know my heart. What he was getting into, what my expectations were, and what he could expect from me. I was honest and I told him I am selfish. I shared with him that I was willing to work on this and share/merge my world with his. I was straight up and he knew I had no problem acknowledging my shortcomings, but I also love hard. So before I fall in love (which I already was) I thought he should know and if he couldn’t handle it, I understood and he could roll out. He stayed. WHEW. SMILE AGAIN.

We graduated and he got a job offer about 30 minutes from my parents house. I was back and forth between my parents house and his apartment until July 2007 when he presented an engagement ring which I obviously accepted. Fast-forward again and we are closer and better friends and more in love than I could have imagined. I’ve shared things with this man that I’ve never told anyone. He knows ALL of me – the good, the bad, and the ugly. He doesn’t judge me. He’s done an amazing job of seeking to understand me and loving me in spite of my bullshit. He’s open to communicating and he’d rather hear hard truths than be kept in the dark. He cares. He cares about me, our son. He cares about manning up and the legacy he’s creating. All these wonderful qualities however do not dispel my selfish tendencies..

Finding Me & a New Career Path

I mentioned that I was back and forth between my parents house and his apartment. I never lived alone. I never had my own place or responsibilities outside of college.

Parents –> college (30 minutes from parents) –> parents –> his place –> our home.

What’s missing?

Time to get to know myself. As an individual. As a woman.

So what happened? I went against everyone (except my husband and me) and quit my “career” in corporate world with high hopes of entrepreneurship (still hoping) and I got pregnant. DAMN. Little did I know that walking away from the captivity of so-called job security would be the start of my journey. I thought I was looking for financial independence (which I was) but I was actually searching for Serena Danielle Morris. Who is she? I had to know.

Miles was born a little over a year later and seemed to push me further from my identity. Until I was a mother I did not realize my identity was wrapped up in my husband and now my beautiful little family. I am way too strong to be defined by anyone other than me.

But, in fact, Miles was the catalyst for my calling as a bodyworker. I am now a Licensed Massage Therapist, Craniosacral Therapist and Wellness Consultant. All of which I started exploring after 14 months of stay at home mommyhood. WHAT A BLESSED ADVENTURE.

I dove into school four nights a week from 6-10pm for 10 months. I started a part-time job from 9-2 four days a week. What an extreme transition. But that’s me – EXTREME. And that’s when life got interesting. Touch therapy is a powerful thing and it can unlock emotions and present foreign feelings. I remember a former colleague told me his wife was not emotionally “back to normal” for one year after birthing their baby. I was not close to being a year finished with nursing and started birth control; all the while giving and receiving massage to a good number of people.

I was emotional, unstable, confused as to why I had feelings of unfulfillment and disappointment, yet happy to be moving in the right direction. Through this I kept a lot inside as I tried to manage and deal with the emotional rollercoaster.

And then I lost it. I decided to go to my husband and express my feelings and try to discover why. It was not flowery and fun but it was rough and tough as I sought self-discovery and understanding. I was honest with him that I needed time to explore me. To come and go (to a degree). To connect, attune, and integrate my experiences. To discover who I am. To be the best me. And he agreed. The fact that I had his blessing was enough for me to include him in the steps of my journey. And we explored and sought together. And he was consistent. I knew he cared from the beginning when he chose to stay. So as much as I owed myself, I owed him as my life partner to know what was up with me.

Life is an ongoing journey until we reach our destination, which as my pastor says, “the journey doesn’t answer the destination, the destination answers the journey.” I’ve developed all types of relationships since my real journey began and the key to preserving them is honest communication. And when it comes to love, if it’s meant to be it will. I would never advise hiding from your partner…unless you want to.

As I close, I would be remiss not to mention the strong woman that is my mother. Thank YOU mom for teaching and loving me unconditionally. Your support is tremendous and I appreciate you! Much love mama.

Serena Morris graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science from Kutztown University. She now resides in the outskirts of Philadelphia with her husband and baby boy and works as Licensed Massage Therapist & Wellness Consultant.

Share Your Wisdom! Comment Below.

When did you first ask yourself “Who Am I?” When did you embrace your journey to self-discovery? What was your favorite part? Most challenging part?