Growing up I had very low self-esteem; but most people didn’t know it. My mom kept me and my sister’s hair done, clothes pressed and from the outside, we had a decent life. On the inside, I was insecure and I hated the reflection I saw in the mirror.

I attribute much of my poor self-image to being abused, being bullied, the natural flows of puberty and the media’s depiction of beauty.

At some point on my journey into womanhood I began to set standards and expectations for how people were to treat me. In the beginning, it was so unconformable because setting standards basically means that when someone contradicts my expectations, I  have to set them straight or confront them.

Speaking up for myself and confronting others was foreign to me but I had to practice in order to be true to myself and surround myself with those worthy of me and my gifts.

I want to share a story with you and a few nuggets on how I was able to nip negative and demeaning behavior in the bud and how you can too!

Years ago I was dating this guY…

He was more popular than previous guys that I dated and I quickly learned that he was accustomed to women treating him a certain way. I guess you can say he was a pretty boy that women swooned over. He was tall and handsome and he knew it.

We started dating at a critical point in my life. I was at a place where I was actively trying to find myself, define my worth and gain more confidence. The thing is, his behaviors made it difficult for me to progress in my journey. Although he was a half decent  guy, there was a part of him that made me feel inferior.

He would say things to me that I perceived to be condescending. He made up offensive nicknames and his demeanor with me showed that he had no respect for me as a person. After toying with the idea of confronting him, I finally did it. And he was surprised as hell. I started calling him out regularly on his insensitive jokes, his rude comments and his condescending tone.

One time I even threatened to stop talking to him if he didn’t change his behavior. Long story short, speaking up for myself, changed the dynamics of our relationship!

Dude became a different man. He was now respectful, accommodating and humble. One day we were chatting about our relationship and he said something that blew me away, when I jokingly reminded him about how he used to treat me. He said,

“I only did what you let me do. I was used to girls treating me a certain way and I figured I’d test my limits until you stopped me.”

Reflection…

When he said that I almost fell out of my seat! It was sobering to hear his honesty but sad because for years I never realized how much power I had in relationships, business, personal or intimate. We literally set the tone for how others treat us. Point blank period.

I remember when I was in high school it was the “in thing” for boys to go around slapping females butt’s in the hall way. Everyone sort of accepted it as the norm, me included. I never really thought about what message my reaction (or lack thereof) was sending to the boys, but everyone else accepted it, so I conformed.

There’s a lot of stuff that I put up with in the past that I could have avoided if I would have spoken up for myself and believed in my truth. It’s not always easy to speak up for yourself but it is worth it. You have to start somewhere. Speaking up for yourself doesn’t mean you have to become an angry black woman.

It simply means stating your opinion and your feelings openly and unapologetically.

Practical Nugget #1: 

 Some people may think you’re being sensitive or “extra” but guess what, your feelings are valid and if you don’t want someone to treat you a certain way, you’re entitled to that. They can adjust their behavior or leave. 

Practical Nugget #2:

People will only treat you how you let them treat you. You set the tone for their behavior. If you allow them to be disrespectful, they’ll follow suit.

Practical Nugget #3:

If someone respects you enough, they’ll be understanding when you confront them about their behavior.

Practical Nugget #4

If you aren’t used to speaking up for yourself, start small. For instance, when you go to the nail shop and the nail tech snips at your finger while doing your manicure, don’t sit there silently and take it, let her know that she cut your finger and needs to be gentle.

Practical Nugget #5

The next time a family member says something “out of pocket” to you that you don’t like, pull them aside and let them know how you felt when they said what they said and let them know that you’d appreciate it if they didn’t do it again.

Share Your Wisdom. Comment Below!

Have you ever had to stand up for yourself in the midst of an uncomfortable situation? Where did you get the courage? Do you think that someone should be cut off if they continue to disrespect you once you confront them about their behavior?

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