A Black Woman's Story About Sexuality

DISCLAIMER: The post below is a post from one of our sisters. She shares her story and her perspective about how she views her sexuality. This blog is a safe space for our community to share their experiences and truths. Each of us is entitled to our own opinions and beliefs and it’s ok for opposing views to coexist. If you disagree with her perspective that’s ok. Feel free to comment below. Please be empathetic and gracious.

Today’s post is a guest post by Lanira Postell, a writer, poet, actress and advocate for the LGBTQ community. Lanira is a 26 year old Master of Social Work student passionate about creating healing environments for the LGBTQ community and Christians alike. Please welcome Lanira to our community and comment below to support her post.

What do you like about men?

What do you like about men? Don’t tell me anything about their physical nature. What do you like about men? I’m not asking you what type of man you like. Please don’t tell me that he has to be 6’2” and he has to have a good credit score. I want to know what you like ABOUT men (nothing physical). Makes you think doesn’t it?

At the tender age of about 14 or 15 I realized that the primary concern of the male species was having sex. This was counterproductive for me because I pledged to save sexual intercourse for marriage. Still, I had pushed the limits to sexual activities and I was bored. More than that, I wanted more out of my relationships. I wanted to be valued for my mental abilities and capacities and for my emotional intelligence.

Yes, I was that deep at 15 and I have notebooks full of poetry to prove it. It seemed by instinct that I hypothesized that the female species could give me what I craved; love. Women were nurturing, soft and gentle. They were warm and non-threatening. I reasoned that a female would respect my mind, value my spirit and warm my heart.

Black woman and sexuality

I started dating women online. I connected with them through message boards, online chat rooms, email, and landline chat rooms (anybody remember those?). These methods were great for me because it allowed me to tap into the emotional side of relationships that starved in my rendezvous with teenage boys. In most of these relationships with other females around my age, I was the more dominate partner.

I was pleased to be on her mind and to be the receiver of her loving messages. Her voice sounded like silk and honey and my heart thud when she spoke my name. I was the person she confided in when she was in need of emotional support. I bought her gifts and visited her when I could. I was a good lover.

My past relationships with women were often built on friendship and intimacy. I knew her. She knew me.

We were often very similar or shared similar stories. Still, things weren’t always rose-colored. Problems arose when my convictions sprung up inside me.

I had been saved (Christian) since I was a young child and somehow between female child molestation and teenage promiscuity with boys, I ended up pursuing women. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and when my convictions got the best of me I ended my relationships with girlfriends. I had one girlfriend that always took me back. She probably would have been my first wife if I had kept along that path.

I spent many nights crying out to God and hoping that he would have mercy and eradicate my attractions to the same sex; He didn’t. There were moments when my attractions seemed to become dull but then I would hear that sweet silk and honey voice and I’d be a goner.

I endured this fight between spirit and flesh for many years. In fact, it wasn’t until my early twenties that I finally surrendered to God. I stopped trying to force His hand and I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t. I committed myself to living for Him and doing the best that I could to honor His commands.

My journey wasn’t perfect but I kept walking.

Overtime my attraction to women deadened

Overtime my attraction to women deadened. The Lord allowed me to keep my attraction to men. However, I am only physically/sexually attracted to men. I still have a hard time finding them mentally and emotionally attractive.

I am attracted to men spiritually as well but I do not know if this is enough to lead me into a healthy male and female relationship. But I leave that to God.

Studies show that females develop their empathy abilities earlier and more efficiently than men. That is why many lesbians feel that their partners are friends and lovers with whom they share an intimate and unique bond that would be greater than any relationship they could have with a man (Degges-White).

I asked you what you liked about men (aside from the physical) because I’m still trying to figure out what I like about men. I know that men are not women and that if I go into a relationship with a man expecting him to be a woman, I’m in for a rude awakening!

My hope is that the Lord will transform me more or that He blesses me with a man that does a great job at appealing to my emotional needs. No matter what happens I am not trying to control Him or what He does with my sexuality. I only seek to glorify Him with all of my life.

Can you relate?

Maybe your story is similar to mine and you’ve been struggling with your sexuality for a long time. Aren’t you tired of struggling? Aren’t you tired of screaming at Him to make you straight? Have you ever considered that you’re focused on the wrong thing? Maybe He wants you to turn your focus on loving Him. Watch Him transform you the way that He desires to.

Maybe you are not a Christian and you have unwanted same-sex desires and you don’t know what to do about them. Maybe all of these feelings seem to have come out of nowhere and you are unsure of who you are.

I don’t know if you’ve ever considered Christ or not, but He made you. Despite anything that you’ve heard or learned, He loves you. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel that He loves you any less than He loves everyone else. If you want Him, just ask for Him and to you He will make Himself known.

Degges-White, S. (2012). Lesbian Friendships: An Exploration of Lesbian Social Support Networks. Adultspan Journal, 11(1), 16-26.