Why Us?

Last weekend I had some sisterly bonding with my 12-year-old little sister, Pearl. She likes to run errands with me when I come home to visit.

So I’m driving down I-95 with Pearl sitting shot gun as we talk about her new experiences at the boarding school that her and my two younger brothers started attending back in August. She tells me about her piano lessons, her interest in trying out for basketball and the fact that she was accepted into the STEM program.

After a while silence fills the car and my mind races with things I need to get done before I head back to Maryland. Out of nowhere Pearl looks up at me and asks, “Terri, why us?” I’m a little confused because clearly she’s not speaking in complete sentences, so I inquire. “Pearl, what do you mean sweetie? I don’t understand.”

She replies ever so quickly, “Why us? Why did our dad have to die and why did our mom have to go to jail?” Damn, damn, damn… those are my thoughts exactly! I’m not prepared for this. I have my own inquires about life and I’ve often asked myself the same question, but damn, was I thinking about this at 12?

It takes me a while to respond to her.  She has me at a loss for words. I want to be honest. So I am. I respond. “Pearl, that’s a good question and I’ve asked myself this question several times throughout my life. Honestly I don’t know. I do believe that God allows certain things to happen to those who He knows are strong enough to overcome it.” She says, “Oh ok.” But I’m not satisfied with my answer. As we ride out and even after I leave my family and head back to Maryland, all I can think about is her big brown eyes looking up at me asking “Why us?”

Why Me?

Pearl’s question brought some of my personal issues to the surface. I’ve been a mother figure to my 4 younger siblings ever since they were born. I felt obligated to come up with a “real” response that Pearl can use in her daily life. What I said earlier wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t satisfied.  I literally road in silence on my way to Maryland just pondering her question. My heart hurt because she’s so innocent and I don’t think any child should have to experience some of the things that her and my siblings have had to endure.

As I’m driving I begin to revisit the question that I’ve asked myself and God, ever since I was a little girl. Why me?  There are many experiences from my past that I’ve been able to come to grips with.  I’ve forgiven myself for making really bad relationship decisions and tolerating unacceptable behavior. I’ve learned to make meaning out of the adversity that life gave me. For goodness sakes I’ve even  forgiven my mom for being abusive. However, there are two burdens that lay heavy on my heart.

My Burdens

Although I’ve been able to make meaning out of my dad’s death and pay tribute to him in my speaking and blogging, my heart still hurts. The day he died still haunts me and it’s really hard some days to understand why it happened and why it happened the way it did. He’s been gone for 7 years but the pain is still piercing. I know you might be thinking,  “7 years is a long time. Get over it.”

But it’s crazy. It literally feels like it just happened yesterday. I think that as I grow older and meet certain milestones, the pain , the bitterness and even the anger that I feel is revived. I was mad at God for a long time because of my dad’s death.

My second burden is the death of a close mentee and colleague, Janelle, who was struck by a drunk driver. Janelle was full of life and passion. She was only 21 years old. Her death devastated me. How can someone so full of life leave this earth so tragically? Janelle was a good girl. A good girl who was sure to change the world.

Why You?

My 12-year-old little sister asked me a question that I needed to hear. “Why us?”  Which in turn forced me to do some introspection in order to give her a suitable answer. A substantive response that she’ll hopefully remember when she’s in her teens or her early twenties facing a situation that may cause her to become bitter, or to lose hope. So I dug a little deeper and tried to figure out how I could truly come to terms with WHY my dad and Janelle died. Obviously death is a part of life, but it still hurts and we still want answers right?

By the time I reached Maryland, I was enlightened. I found my answer for Pearl and myself. Hopefully this will also give you a new perspective on your situation. I called Pearl to add to my initial response. This is how our conversation went:

Me: Hey Pearl, remember that question you asked me earlier?

Pearl: Ummm yea

Me: You remember what I said?

Pearl: You said you didn’t know (LOL I was cracking up on the inside. That’s all she heard though?)

Me: I have a better answer for your question ” Why us?”

1. God allows things to happen to certain people because He knows their strong enough to overcome it

2. Also, when you and your siblings are successful and you “make it” you will inspire other people when they learn about your past and what you’ve been through

3. Lastly, humans have free will and with that free will comes consequences. Sometimes we are affected by the actions of another person. Sometimes those consequences will bring about pain and suffering but there is hope and it does get better with time

Pearl: Oh ok, love you.

I done said all that and she said “oh ok, love you.” I done poured my little heart out searching for answers and she responded with 4 words.

Don’t even say “she’s only 12.” Pearl is deep, I’m telling you. But you know what I learned? Clearly this conversation was for me and my growth.

I needed this more than her. I’ve embraced these 3 points as my truth and that is what has given me peace. Instead of running away from my feelings and failing to address them I was forced to face them head on by my 12-year-old sister and now I am content. The pain is still there but I’m at peace and that is the most important asset to me right now.

 

Share Your Wisdom. Comment Below!

How have you come to terms with difficult situations in life? What do you tell yourself to cope with the unthinkable? Any advice for someone who’s trying to move past bitterness and hurt?

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